A Piece of my Journal and "Squirt"

Title:  2 May 2008 Untitled
Date:  2 May 2008 12:37 PM
Category:  Daily Chat

I haven’t written for a few days - I guess I have felt busy, although whether or not I’m actually busy is a point to ponder. I had my visit with Dr. J on Tuesday and I almost didn’t make it. I actually went to the dog park in the morning, but when I got into the car, I had the urge to sleep. I went home, fed the dogs and jumped into bed and zonked out. Tim woke me up at 1:00 for lunch and then I conked out again until the time I was supposed to leave. I wasn’t sure if I should go because I was worried about driving when I was having sleep attacks, but I went for it and I did ok. I also had a piercing headache - the multiple kind - on the right side of my head. It’s the headache that comes when inside people don’t want me to talk about something - usually. I think that and the sleep attacks are a clear indication that inside people didn’t want me to make my appointment with Dr. J.

The appt. actually went alright - a little one, named “Squirt” came out to talk. She said that Patricia called her Squirt and she is 5-6 years old. She looked at the picture on Dr. J’s wall and saw a body floating under the water in the picture. Dr. J pointed out that she could see a fish - and after some time, we saw the fish as well. But the “dead girl” was very clear to her and reminded her of “the dead girl” in our system that was buried in dirt. I never noticed either the “body” or the fish in the artwork - just water and leaves floating on the surface. Interesting.

Last afternoon I was getting quite anxious and then last night I think I had some anger going on - I don’t know what it was from. Tim suggested I go to sleep early, which I did - good idea. This morning, I woke up feeling miserable. It seemed I had a lot going on in my head and I wasn’t into chatting with Tim at all. When he left I went back to sleep. Sandra had called but I didn’t pick up or call back. I never did go to the dog park today; just opened the back door and hoped the dogs would go out for themselves. They didn’t (not surprising), so at about 11:30 I finally got up and took them into the back yard for a pee and whatever. I very rarely do that, but I really don’t feel like seeing anyone or talking to anyone today. I just want to be left alone.

I don’t know if I’ll be able to go to Sandra and Rob’s tonight - we’ll see. Tim said he would come home to pick me up if that would help. We’ll see if I’m feeling better.