Lights and Warm Breath

 February 15, 2004

They said I lit up the room when I entered

They asked me how I could smile all the time

They always told me how nice I was

They didn’t know me very well, did they?

Before, I could touch nature with my heart

Before, the world lit up when I walked through it

Before, I was fearless in the woods

Now in life, I am hermetically sealed.

I used to often feel high

My meditation was instant and enriching

I used to feel safe knowing I could always “go away”

Being away doesn’t feel right any more.

For years, I felt I was an open book

My credo was to be honest and true

And I felt communication was the way

I was jolted to realize I had not done these things for me.

My therapist said that when one stifles feelings

The feelings include both the highs and the lows

Now I understand why my life feels static

Sounding like a heart monitor with nothing left to read.

As I sit here with my pen

I wonder if I will ever again connect

The world, my body and my soul

Or will I remain in my hermetically sealed domain?

Last night I felt a woman’s pain and fear

Last night there might have been a hole in my own zone

A tiny opening where true feelings flowed

I wonder if I allowed any of me to escape.

A tiny unlikely connection

With a soul who had no knowledge

Was it I understood her pain

Or was I just seeing myself?

I want to feel a leaf again

And the lighted aura of a pine

A white cat just walked by my window

Will I ever feel its warm breath again?

By inside people Rose, Paula and Stephanie

1954-55

 March 9, 2003

When I wake up on Mother’s Day

My heart sinks as if to say

This is not a day to celebrate

The passion inside only feels like hate.

What did she do from whose womb I climbed?

Locking my hands with a rope to bind

She did not stomp upon my head,

Nor circled light around my bed.

Someone inside still loves her so,

But the others have taken too much of a blow

Her heart was cold, she would not change

And the girl child “we” began to arrange.

The grave she laid all covered with dirt

One of us died so the others don’t hurt

The others hid so they couldn’t be found

But one gave in and laid there bound.

Bound with no sound nor comfort to feel

The girl child’s will they wanted to steal

Wearing brown, the dirt conceals

And many lights later we started to heal.

To Mother’s Day, hip hip hooray

All stand around and silently say

You gave us life then took it away

And one poor child, in earth, does she stay.

Mothers, graves and pansies don’t mix

And hurting the child to get her kicks

Now the children hide with one left behind

One small soul saved the others, no mind.

Small sacrifice, young soul gives all

She goes away so the others don’t fall

Happy Mother’s Day, we hope you liked this gift

We still search, and through the dirt we sift.

Written by insiders Patricia, Beth, Jack, Tony, and others

for Mother’s Day 1954-55

What Feelings Are These?

 July 12, 2003

What feelings are these that make me shiver?

That make me wince and my loins to quiver,

What rape, indignity caused this shame,

Whose indiscretion, who is to blame?

A family secret, an annual event,

Was this child’s body – what purpose lent?

The invisible rapist I feel him quite often,

Abuse of a child, does it ever get softer?

The girl child lives in the woman’s body still,

And presses on due to spirit and will,

Abuse of the child is abuse of her ages

Childhood’s terror led to pain-filled pages.

When they scarred the child did they look to the future?

A sexual act by an angry butcher,

It’s not the youth or the old age lost,

It’s quality and innocence at what grand cost?

They may find the child and have their way,

Did they consider at all what the woman would say?

Did they worry at all of her daily pain?

As a sexual tool she had nothing to gain.

The girl child looks inward and sees lust relieved,

Her body used often, her childhood she grieved,

The child as victim does not stand-alone,

The woman who follows fights her pain to the bone.

A damaged child lasts not forever,

The teen and the woman continue to endeavor,

The child you see is not the only lost soul,

And the woman struggles on less the parts that they stole.

Can’t you see that the lost child grows older?

She becomes a woman carrying misery on her shoulder.

It’s not the one life that is damaged forever,

It’s all of us now whose pain ends never.

A Time Out

I need to take some time out from updating this blog. The material is triggering to me and is causing some serious somatic (body) memories. The posts are written mostly by my inside people, and they are still fragile when certain information surfaces.  I will add posts as I can.

I also occasionally post about DID/MPD on Quora: https://www.quora.com/Judi-Lowell.

A Light Needs Not a Shadow to Shine

By Judi and her inside friends

January 3, 2002

Sad we are the day we died,

How it happened, the people lied.

I sit up straight all pale and white,

Looking back, we tried to fight.

What hurts me most when people see

The girl not there but trying to be;

Or the girl who’s there and has fallen behind

Hiding behind each simple young mind.

When I stand alone, I cast no shadow,

And when I stand not, I cast no glow.

The burning life, the force within,

Flickered and died, an ash of sin.

The mirror oft shows me that nothing is there,

And I try to remember that life is not fair,

The eyes look back that hold no soul,

To attach a life is a lifetime goal.

Sometimes I dance so someone will notice

A transparent self that no one would miss

I dance and I dance with arms flailing wildly,

And some see through, but notice me mildly.

It hurts when they see that I’m not even there,

Withered and bowed, they don’t even care.

They notice not the façade I’ve become

But the façade I’m not, well no matter, I’m numb.

I want to imagine a self taking shape,

A body that stands so something can drape.

A foot that walks and leaves its prints,

An aura that shines and a soul that glints.

Even I sit and stare and cannot see,

The girl who knows she’ll never be.

Can I penetrate a body gone far far away?

Or did this child die young, I cannot say.

Sitting and feeling I try to cast light,

Collecting my souls so they don’t take flight.

Can I sit with it all and feel the force;

The power now gathered from each little source.

We all stand solid, our energies fused,

And the shadow now cast will not be bruised.

The girl in the mirror now often winks back,

All souls now one, they cannot crack.

Each day we gather and bind one to all,

Our force becomes stronger; no need now to crawl.

The people who see are part of the light,

The others, too bad, they’re just not so bright.

A Very Special Poem By My Inside Wise One, Christopher

 September 2000

The memories lay and the forgetting grows,

The mind sets forth, but then it slows.

You need to pace yourself to learn,

The knowledge comes with a long slow burn.

Childish whispers surround you in sleep,

Sorrowful sounds how long can you keep,

The young ones quiet to soften the night;

You know you must listen to step into the light.

The young don’t want to hide the past,

Because the troubles and the hurt just lasts.

They chat to you and tell their stories,

The curtain rises to their small glories.

Judi, listen to Christopher now,

I will tell you something, just listen how.

Walk around your inside mind,

But look and see, don’t act so blind.

We’ll walk with you and hold your hand,

So listen nigh, they understand.

You’re fearful right? We know it’s true.

To know all now, you will not rue.

Let the small ones now tell their stories,

In their sad tales, you’ll hear of glories.

The truth won’t hurt you, just let it come,

Their tales of trials you cannot shun.

They stood before you all strength and might,

They did their deeds, in the cloak of the night.

These people hurt you, you must know this,

Their nasty ways all sweat and piss.

You hated it; it scared you so,

Why they did it, you’ll never know.

They treated you just like a doll,

And yet, in fact you were just that small.

They abused your body; they tore at your mind,

They tied you up in such a bind,

Let the little ones talk to unload their souls,

Come up come up and fill in those holes.

How you do this, I can help you some.

Start with a sigh and a little hum.

Let them guide you and pull you along,

They’re all kind spirits, and they’ve made you strong.

Their voices will come from their tiny hearts,

To your ears only like little darts.

Kiss them, hug them, and speak to them low,

Because your life, to them you owe.

A Safe, Forever Home

Written when I was a Court Appointed Special Advocate for Abused and Neglected Children (CASA) for an event to promote fostering or adoption

December 1, 2001

When you’re abused and neglected and you’re just a little kid,

You’re taken from your parents for the things they never did.

Or maybe it was some bad acts that caused the hurt and shame,

And you end up in the system feeling you are all to blame.

The social workers care and fulfill your basic needs,

But who can mend the shattered heart that caused your soul to bleed?

For now you move from home to home hoping for a match,

And wonder why they just can’t see how much you are “a catch”.

Your heart’s caught up in turmoil when you miss your family so,

But you’ve got this house, good food and care – it seems the way to go.

Especially when they discover that your folks don’t want you back,

The grief of that desertion turns your entire world to black.

You wonder who could want you since your Mama dropped you there.

You must have some huge gaping flaws of which you’re not aware.

So you sit right down and wonder why nobody wants you now,

You want a home, someone to care, and you get all that just how?

You find you have to wait until a perfect match is found,

But you’re too young or much too old, your jokes fail to astound.

You find they never want to adopt a kid they know has pain,

They worry that your sad, sad life has left you quite insane.

And you wonder why they can’t see through the defensive show you flaunt,

A little time and a lot of love will make you one to want.

But then they see your green eyes, and it’s brown was on their list,

Can’t they see my good points or will they all be missed?

So I sit and wait and always pray that someone chooses me,

But without adoptive families this likely just won’t be.

Maybe I’ll keep moving and get tough to stand the pain,

I’ll hang out with the bad dudes and my life goes down the drain.

Please don’t ever think that you lack what most kids need,

Attention, love and caring are what really plant the seed.

The seed that causes growth and pride and self-esteem will bloom,

Just grab a kid and lift him up to save him from the gloom.

Single folk or poor doesn’t mean you lack the love,

To take a child from sadness and lift him high above.

So when you leave be sure to grab some spirit from each kid,

And give your friends and family a pinch of pain to rid.

Adopt a child or foster too so all get the very best care,

And inform as many are willing to hear, so more become aware.

The world is full of hate and war, but we can do our part,

Lift a child, watch him grow, and give him a brand new start.