A Lifeform in Process

Title:  A Life-form in Process
Date:  7 January 2007 11:50 AM
Category:  Personal and Poem

It's Sunday morning one week into the new year. Whoopee. I keep having high hopes for getting something accomplished, but not much comes to fruition. I'm talking about learning something new, doing more and/or better art, writing more, actually finishing projects.

This morning I feel miserable. I'm physically tired for some reason - possibly because Tim is observing until 3 in the morning, and watches TV the whole time. Maybe I'm just allergic to cricket? Someone inside feels like they are crying and my body memories are pretty bad too - not awful, but they're definitely there.

I wonder if I can write a poem. I'm feeling like I might never remember what happened to me to make me multiple. I'm not sure if anyone inside knows what happened. I don't hear anything. Zilch.

There is the great burning between my legs where my womanhood is
The heat is painful in an over-stimulating way like the orgasm that never comes
My bottom is tight trying to compensate I guess
But it only makes it worse.

My stomach is tight and I think to reach for my vibrator
But now is not the time and sometimes
It just hurts too much - like it is way more than it is
It is a desperate act that doesn't always work.

This is a photo of how I am now with no pretending
I can see the pain in this face with furrows between the eyebrows
The mouth points down on each end so it doesn't naturally go up
Like the pretty and happy princess I usually try to be.

I looked at some old photos of me the other day
And I'm surprised that I remember more about my clothes then
Than anything else that was or happened
I think that's strange.

And then my later life is defined by the men
Or rather that's how I know my age and where I was
I think the clothes might be better
To remember my life by.

Looking at Judi's life like a calendar
Is mostly blank pages
But the group of dates are like calendar photos
That grab something about the date that might be significant.

I guess this makes me feel like my life is superficial
With just an occasional flag to highlight certain events
But I don't feel superficial
And I like to feel that I'm complex and interesting.

Perhaps my complexity is only appreciated by me and mine
And not so obvious to the outside world
Who might only see my flags
Rather than my vast insides.

I feel in tune with everything and totally detached
I wonder if that's really possible
Or if I am devising a world for myself
To explain my lack of understanding.

Am I so creative that perhaps I have designed a new life form?
That would require power too
And perhaps an attention to detail
That I am sure I don't possess.

A life-form in process and we'll leave it here for now.