Body Memories

Title:  8 May 2007 The Worst Body Memories
Date:  8 May 2007 7:49 AM
Category:  Personal

I have to write about these body memories. They must be almost the worst I've experienced, mostly because they have gone on for days. Last Saturday I woke up with them and even when I was shopping in Westfield, they were horrible. I know my face must have shown the pain and discomfort. They bothered me the rest of the day and into the night until I fell asleep. They were still going strong Sunday, so I took a xanax which helped. I think I need to do that when they flair up that badly. Last night during the night I felt very anxious, and actually had gone to sleep at 8:00. I woke up during the night very anxious and this morning slightly anxious. I see Dr. J today. We have plenty to talk about. I don't know why this is so bad right now. I'm not aware of any triggers -

Dirt hit me like sleet hitting pavement
Tiny child in the hole
I don't think there was any cover
just dirt and skin

She's just a little dead girl
And she's still one of us
She gave her body to the bad ones
But we still have her heart

She is the bravest of us all
And died for us
How can we ever repay her?
The dead girl in the hole.

One time we felt the dirt
As it must have felt
Dirt raining down - brown dirt
Walking in the corridor.

They meant to kill her
So they could claim her soul
But that didn't work
Her soul stays with us.

I can see them standing around, watching
As shovels fill the hole
You could still see the little girl
As she floated away.

I dreamt last night of doing things wrong
And not performing on the stage
Everyone said take drugs you must
I did and didn't

Is that what it's all about?
The drug induced state of “hole”-ness
Imagination is fertile
When chemicals can sway your world

Her world of dirt and chemicals - drugs
Did they mean to kill her?
Or did she die of the belief?
I think you can die if you think you're dead.

We take care of the dead girl now
We owe her our existence
So brave for one so small
Why would they want her dead?